GH6004 Starting Early -- Sexuality Education for Children Ages 10 to 14
Starting Early — Sexuality
Education for Children Ages 10 to 14 (Early Adolescence)
Elizabeth Vemer
Department of Human Development and Family Studies, University of Missouri-Columbia
Children are full of questions,
and as they grow from toddlers to adolescents, their questions change from "Why
do zebras have stripes?" to "Why is my body changing?" or "Why do I feel so mixed
up?"
The years from 10 to 14 are ones of discovery and questioning. Young adolescents
question themselves, their sexuality and how they fit into the world. Although
these questions are intensely personal, parents, peers and the social and cultural
environment can all influence the answers.
Parents often have concerns and questions about their child's developing sexuality.
Parents want their children to be comfortable about sexuality, but they also
want their sons and daughters to wait until they are older and more mature before
having a sexual relationship.
It may be difficult for you to talk to your young teen about sexual issues,
but it is important that your child discusses his or her concerns with you to
receive accurate information. Your child's peer group is becoming increasingly
important, but most young adolescents prefer to receive sexuality information
from their parents and depend on their parents for guidance and setting limits.
It is never too late to begin discussing sexuality with your child.
Effective parents are available, open to their young teen's questions and
concerns and are able to share their values with their child. They respect their
child's privacy and are sensitive to both the content and the feelings expressed
in their child's conversation.
Although communicating about sexuality is easier if you also discussed sexuality
with your child when he or she was younger, it is not too late to begin.
Close observation will
tell you when your child is ready to talk.
Even though you may be comfortable
and willing to discuss sexuality with your teen, your child may not know how to
bring up the subject. Watch and listen carefully to find out if your child has
questions about sexuality. Your teen may:
- Tell you third-person
anecdotes about "a person in school who."
- Ask, "What would you
do if.?"
- Have an intense touching
relationship with a boy or girl friend.
- Display no reaction to
the physical and physiological changes of puberty. This may indicate that
your child is unsure about how to initiate a discussion of these issues with
you.
How can you discuss sexuality
if your child doesn't ask questions?
- Really listen when your
child is talking. Don't judge or give lectures. Always set aside time to talk
and listen to each other.
- Ask your child's opinion
of news stories about issues such as male/female relationships, teenage pregnancy
or sexuality on television.
- Buy a reliable, attractive
book on sexuality (or check one out from the library) and leave it where your
teen spends time: on the couch, by the television or by the telephone. In
a few days ask his or her opinion about the book and a specific topic in the
book.
- Watch a television show
together and discuss male/female roles and the relationships portrayed.
What every teen wants to
know
You may not want to discuss
every aspect of sexuality with your child, but you need to show that you know
your child is interested in sex. There are some general questions that most teens
want and need to know the answers to.
- What are the physical
and emotional changes boys and girls go through during adolescence?
- What is sexual behavior?
- What do you consider
"normal" sexual behavior?
- How should girls talk
to boys, how should boys talk to girls, how can he/she express feelings?
- What are personal values
and how do they influence sexual decisions?
- How do you make rational
decisions? How do you say no?
- What is a sexually transmitted
disease?
- What are the short- and
long-term health consequences of sexually transmitted disease?
- Is masturbation harmful?
Help your adolescent develop
healthy attitudes about sexuality
- Be a good role model.
Be honest, open and responsible, and show that you care about others.
- Clarify your own views
and values about sexuality and sexual behavior.
- Help your child understand
the changes of adolescence and respond to his or her concerns about what is
normal.
- Recognize and be willing
to respond to your child's interests and concerns about the opposite sex and
sex in general.
- Be informed about sexuality
and provide appropriate reading materials for your young teen (always read
these materials before you share them with your child).
- Understand that your
child's self-esteem may be vulnerable at this time because of his or her emerging
sexuality and new relationships with peers, parents and others.
- Be generous with your
sincere approval. Don't criticize or "put down" your child.
- Recognize your young
teen's need for more independence. Give your child opportunities to be both
independent and responsible.
- Discuss your attitudes
and values with your child. Honesty is important, but do not confuse this
with lecturing. Don't demand that your child agree with you.
- Be willing to openly
discuss values that differ from yours. Show that you enjoy listening to your
child's opinions and sharing your opinions with your child. By doing this,
you show that it is OK for your child to ask questions about values.
- Understand what you can
and cannot control. You can set limits on how late your young teen stays out,
and to some extent, where he or she goes. You cannot control your child's
sexual behavior or what their values and attitudes will be.
- Don't lecture your child
and don't make threats. These are roadblocks to communication and may encourage
rebellious behavior.
Be a role model, discuss your
values, provide accurate information and openly talk with your child about his
or her questions and concerns — this is how you can influence your child's
decisions. To help your child be independent and responsible, set appropriate
limits and help your child feel good about himself or herself.
Relax when discussing sexuality
with your young adolescent.
Parents are often uncomfortable
with this issue. Your parents may not have talked with you, and you may remember
your own feelings and behavior as you were growing up. You can overcome your reluctance
to talk with your son or daughter.
The first step is to recognize your own values and attitudes. Admit to yourself
that this is a difficult task, but one you know you want to do. Accurate information
is a powerful tool. Obtain a good book on sexuality and find out what issues
adolescents are worried about. Discuss sexuality issues with your partner or
a friend to practice talking about sensitive issues. Relax and enjoy communicating
with your child.
Additional reading
For parents
Cassel, Carol. Straight
From the Heart: How to Talk With Your Teenagers About Sex. 1987. New York:
Simon and Schuster. ($6.95)
Gordon, Sol. Raising a Child Conservatively in a Sexually Permissive World.
1986. New York: Simon and Schuster. ($8.95)
Wattleton, Faye. How to Talk To Your Child About Sexuality. New York:
Doubleday and Company. ($7.95)
For parents and teens
Bell, Ruth. Changing Bodies,
Changing Lives. 1988. New York: Random House. ($12.95)
Comfort, Alex and Comfort, Jane. The Facts of Love. 1979 New York:
Ballantine. ($7.95)
Gordon, Sol. Facts About Sex for Today's Youth. 1987. Fayetteville,
NY: Ed U Press. ($7.95)
Maderas, Lynda. The What's Happening to My Body? Book for Girls. 1987.
New York: New Market Press. ($9.95)
Maderas, Lynda. The What's Happening to My Body? Book for Boys. 1986.
New York: New Market Press. ($9.95)
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1999 University of Missouri. Published by University
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