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Raising Kind Children
By Janet A. Clark, Associate Program Leader Sara Gable, Human Development Extension State Specialist
May 2, 2008, 16:47 PST
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Raising Kind Children
Janet A. Clark, Associate Program
Leader
Sara Gable, Human Development Extension State Specialist
Ibtisam Barakat, Extension Associate
Encouraging kindness in children
is an important responsibility for all adults who care for children. Kind and
caring behavior appears early in life and continues to develop across the lifespan.
Examples of caring behavior include:
- sympathetic crying among
groups of babies
- a toddler comforting
a baby doll
- a toddler sharing blocks
with another child
- a preschooler bringing
bandages to an injured classmate
- a preschooler hugging
and comforting a crying sibling
- school-age children collecting
canned goods for a food bank
- an adolescent volunteering
to shovel snow for an elderly neighbor
- adolescents speaking
out against animal cruelty during a community meeting You can help children
show kindness toward others and experience the positive feelings that grow
out of kind and caring behavior.
Set a good example Children
are learning constantly from the words and actions of adults around them. The
great humanitarian, Albert Schweitzer, suggests that adults teach children in
three important ways:
The first is by example.
The second is by example.
The third is by example.
Even with your busy schedule,
you can involve children in acts of kindness. By helping an elderly neighbor,
taking a stray dog to a shelter or giving canned goods to a food bank, you can
demonstrate your concern for others. You can reinforce kindness by explaining
to children why you want them to engage in kind behavior. Research says that
children are more likely to comply with adults' wishes when they hear a reasonable
and understandable explanation.
"Aunt Jean has been
visiting with Grandma all week long at the hospital, so she is really tired.
Would you please play quietly so that she can rest and relax?"
To be an effective adult
role model, you must match your words with your actions. For example, if you
compliment someone's new clothes, but make fun of the way the clothes look when
the person is gone, children receive a powerful message. They learn that saying
one thing and doing another is acceptable behavior.
Expressing appreciation
for kind and thoughtful behavior is another way to set a good example for children.
These actions help children to experience the positive feelings of being kind
to others. By reinforcing children's kind behavior, you are helping them to
understand that their kindness makes a positive difference.
"Corrina, I'm really
glad that you shared the blocks with Andy. See how much he likes playing with
them!"
"Lamont, your after-school
project sounds like a great idea! I'm sure that the nursing home residents will
really enjoy hearing you play some songs on the piano."
Children need to know that
the adults in their lives care about them and about others. Children who experience
respect and appreciation from adults are more likely to demonstrate caring toward
others and to recognize the positive impact of their kindness.
Foundations in the early
years (birth to age 5)
Trust
The quality of care you give
to infants can greatly influence their later development. If babies learn that
the adults around them are kind and dependable, they will learn to trust the world
and themselves. When you respond sensitively to babies' needs, they feel valued
and important. When infants feel loved and valued by those who care for them,
the foundation of kindness toward others is being established.
Consistency
If you express consistent expectations
of children, they develop predictable views of the world. When guiding young children,
be consistent and clear with directions and explanations. If your requests and
reasons are inconsistent, children become confused and unsure about what is expected.
When you are consistent with your requests and reasons, children feel safe in
exploring the world and trying new things. They feel secure that their caregivers
will consistently guide and teach them.
Positive guidance
Children learn to care about
others when they feel cared for themselves. Young children learn best when they
are not frightened or angry. By using guidance based on love and respect, you
can help young children become aware of the consequences of their behavior for
others.
Research says that harsh physical punishment can hinder the development of
positive relationships between children and adults. Reliance on physical discipline
weakens children's trust in adults. Physical punishment does not help children
learn self-control or understand the connection between unacceptable behavior
and discipline. When adults use physical discipline, children feel angry at
adults and ashamed of themselves.
Positive guidance blends respect and love for the child with clear messages
and understandable reasons. When young children experience consistent and positive
guidance, they are more likely to act kindly toward others.
Building bridges between
children and others (ages 6 to 12)
Encourage children to think
about others
You can help school-age children
think about the needs of others and the implications of their behavior for others.
Many school-age children are able to see the world through another's eyes. By
encouraging this ability, you are helping children to reason and think about interpersonal
matters. If a school-age child engages in unkind behavior with another child,
explain to her or him why the behavior is unacceptable and how this behavior makes
the other child feel.
Create opportunities and
express appreciation
During the school years, you
can give children more responsibility for being helpful and kind to others. By
creating opportunities for children to be helpful and kind, you also can tell
them how much you appreciate their helpful behavior and how this behavior affects
others.
For example, research says that assigning regular, family-oriented housework
to 12- to 14-year-old children is associated with their spontaneous helping
behavior. Children of this age who are expected to help set the table, walk
the dog or take turns cleaning the family room are more likely to do nice things
for others without being told.
Requiring children to do regular chores for a family or for an athletic team
creates opportunities for you to express appreciation for their kindness. Few
successful groups exist because of the kindness of one person; every person
in the group needs to be helpful and to recognize that needs of the group are
as important as needs of the individual members. Tell children how much their
helpful behavior is appreciated so they can experience the good feelings that
result from being kind to others.
Table 1. Developmental
milestones of kindness (8 months to 12 years)
| Research
has documented the development of kind behavior in children. Although there
are differences in how and how often children act kindly toward others,
almost all children go through a set sequence of developing kind and caring
behavior. For example, some children may cry harder than others when a friend's
cat is hit by a car, but almost all children will recognize this as a very
sad situation.
|
| Age
| Characteristics
| Example |
| 8 to 18 Months
| Child can understand
that own behavior can make another happy or sad.
| "If I make a silly
face at Andrew, he will smile and laugh." |
| Child can understand
adult instructions for kind behavior when words are combined with actions.
| Adult instructs: "Be
gentle with the baby" and softly strokes baby's cheek and neck. Child can
understand and imitate adult behavior. |
| 2 to 3 Years
| Child begins to show
empathic behavior.
| Child may spontaneously
comfort a crying peer. |
| Child complies more
often with adult requests, especially adult requests for socially responsible
behavior.
| Child more willingly
takes turns, says, "Please" and "Thank You", and helps clean up at home
and in the classroom. |
| 4 to 6 Years
| Child starting to recognize
concept of fairness.
| "His piece of cake
is bigger than mine!" |
| Child begins to understand
that selfish behavior may be wrong.
| "If I use all of the
playdough, no one else with be able to play with it." |
| Child engages in more
kinds of empathic behavior.
| Child can share, comfort,
protect, and encourage. |
| Child can plan in advance
to do something nice for another.
| "When these winter
clothes are too small, I can give them to someone who doesn't have enough
winter clothes." |
| 6 to 12 Years
| Child can take perspective
of another and can recognize possible reasons for another's feelings and
actions.
| "Jason is the new kid
this year. I wonder if he's lonely because he hasn't made new friends yet?"
"LaDonna is sad because
her grandma just died." |
| Child can understand
right from wrong and think about what might happen after doing something
wrong.
| "Cheating during a
game of checkers is wrong."
"If I cheat and win
the game, I might feel guilty." |
| With adult assistance,
child can recognize the implications of his/her own behavior for another.
| "If I don't invite
Felicia to my party, she might feel left out." |
| Child begins to develop
internalized kind behavior. Child can engage in kind behavior without encouragement
and prompting from adults.
| Child may try to "right
a wrong" action, child experiences guilt without adult intervention, child
may confess to a wrong behavior, child may apologize without being told.
|
Practice empathy
Empathy is defined as "the
ability to identify oneself mentally with a person or thing and so understand
his/her feelings or meaning." You can practice empathic behavior and encourage
school-age children to do the same. You can show them how empathy can help solve
everyday problems.
Consider the natural disasters of the past decade. Entire communities have
been destroyed by floods or fires and have been rebuilt because of the generous
assistance of empathic groups and individuals. When these tragedies occur, talk
with children about the needs of those affected and discuss different ways to
help. Tell children that every little bit, from a donated coat to a large financial
contribution, helps others who are in need.
Additionally, you can remind children that every day they will encounter other
people's needs, and that by helping others they will experience the positive
feelings that grow from acts of kindness. For example, how often do out-of-town
visitors stop and ask for directions? When you and the children help travelers
find what they are looking for, you reduce the negative feelings that go along
with being lost. You can talk with children about how it feels to be lost and
how it feels to help someone find what they are looking for.
Empathy also involves connecting with the feelings and needs of things other
than people, such as animals and the environment. When driving along the highways,
point out the brightly colored trash bags that often line the side of the road.Talk
with children about the importance of keeping the environment clean for people
and animals. Encourage children to participate in organized trash pick-up efforts
and to practice recycling at home and at school.
Summary
Children are born with the
capacity to act kindly toward others. From birth, children's behavior indicates
their ability to respond kindly and compassionately. However, adults play an important
role in whether or not children continue to act in kind and caring ways. If you
are warm and supportive, and set reasonable standards of behavior and consistently
enforce them, you are more likely to encourage kind and compassionate behavior
in children. And, by encouraging children to be kind, you will find opportunities
to talk about the consequences of their behavior for others and to express appreciation
for their kindness.
The following suggestions are ways that you can contribute to the development
of kind and caring children:
- Set a good example by
acting respectfully toward others.
- Communicate the importance
of helpfulness and generosity.
- Use consistent rules
and reasons for guiding children.
- Talk with children about
the feelings of others and the consequences of children's unkind behavior.
- Create opportunities
for children to be empathic.
- Express appreciation
when children behave kindly toward others.
References and resources
Bennett, W., ed. 1995. The
children's book of virtues. New York: Simon and Schuster.
Coles, R. 1997. The moral intelligence of children: How to raise a moral
child. New York: Random House.
Collins, W. A., M. L. Harris, and A. Susman. 1995. Parenting during middle
childhood. In Handbook of parenting volume 1, ed. M. H. Bornstein. Mahwah,
NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
Dunn, J., J. Brown, and M. Maguire. 1995. The development of children's moral
sensibility: Individual differences and emotion understanding. Developmental
Psychology 31:649?659.
Eisenberg, N. 1992. The caring child. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University
Press.
Eisenberg, N. and B. Murphy. 1995. Parenting and children's moral development.
In Handbook of parenting volume 4, ed. M. H. Bornstein. Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence
Erlbaum Associates.
Greer, C. and H. Kohl. 1995. A call to character. New York: Harper
Collins.
Grusec, J. E., J. J. Goodnow, and L. Cohen. 1996. Household work and the development
of concern for others. Developmental Psychology 32:999?1007.
Kilpatrick, W., G. Wolfe, and S. Wolfe. 1994. Books that build character:
A guide to teaching your child moral values through stories. New York: Touchstone/Simon
and Schuster.
Rubin, D. May, 1997. How to raise a moral child. Parenting 132?138.
Schulman, M. and E. Mekler. 1985. Bringing up a moral child. Reading,
MA: Addison-Wesley Publishing Company, Inc.
Zahn-Waxler, C., M. Radke-Yarrow, and E. Wagner. 1992. Development of concern
for others. Developmental Psychology 28:126?136.
Copyright
2000 University of Missouri. Published by University
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